May I be Frank?

Episode 4: Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love

sototallypatrick:

As the nachos melt let’s reflect upon the lyrics of ‘Hey Leonardo’ by Blessid Union of Souls and just bask in the ’90s-ness:

Not because I look like Tyson Beckford
With the charm of Robert Redford …

She don’t care about my big screen
Or my collection of DVD’s …

Not because I hang with Leonardo
Or that guy who played in “Fargo”
I think his name is Steve …

Not because I sing like Pavarotti
Or because I am such a hottie …

Not because she’s phat like Cindy Crawford …

Make her laugh just like Jim Carrey
Unlike the Cable Guy …

Drink #5: Tecate Micheladas

Lunch: Paul Smith Nachos

Also, Lunch? It’s 4:30.

Peter Burns’ messages. Spiked on red, yellow, and blue pencils.

This whole time we’ve known each other, I never knew you were such a slut!

Liss Rinna looks like a cartoon canarakeet.

I’m going to drop you like a hot potato.

Is it coke?

IS IT COKE?

No. It’s a red pill.

Adderol? Ridelin? ECSTASY!?

What? That you’re doing Alison?

Nice chunk heels, Kimberley.

Peter hired Kimberley at the Private Practice.

Oh honey, cut the drama.

Does anyone know where I can get some PCP?

Chardonnay.

Billy takes Sam on a date. She’s so the new old Alison. Like all lame and shit and before she had so get married to Billy’s wife’s father and was a major alcoholic twice.

There’s that shoe again!

Bonding in a big way.

Amanda with her hair back, full fringe since she’s 70.

McBride Fuckface got shut down after bringing a cake to Amanda!

Matt’s new BF’s vest is williamsburg, 2007/8.

Are you a hustler? No? What the hell. There’s a first time for everything.

Pause.

I’ll get you a beer of wine.

A can of beer?

Oh my god, I’m losing it.

I got two. There are four beer of wine cans.

I was raped, damnit.

Jane just accidentally set some cans of oil on fire with Alison’s new optimum triple play. She gets to her whip and looks up and sees that Alison’s apartment is on fire.

I live in a beer of wine.

Episode 3: Moving Violations

sototallypatrick:

Cocktail #3: Done.

The Faster You Dig, The Faster You Die.

I’ll just leave LA and reinvent myself somewhere else.

Muldoon just got shoveled in the crotch.

Episode 3 and we’re already recycling stock footage of sexy LA singles flirting down the sunset strip.

Heather locklear is rocking 1st season of the O.C. Mischa Barton bangs.

Cameo! Robert Gant, who played Principal Krups on the second season of Popular and one of the fags on Queer as Folk.

Officer Handsome just shot Muldoon! Is he dead? He has no pulse, but he didn’t when Jane and Sydney buried him alive.

I’ve never seen a dead body before.

You get used to it.

Billy you don’t need to help me. Jake and Matt are helping already. Matt is on speed, so we’ll be done really fast.

Sneaking around is still kinda fun.

Obligatory Conjugal Visits.

Short-alls.

No offense Jane, but your lifestyle is a little too alternative for me.

Jane in a chambray men’s pajama shirt > romper/jumper debate > patrick has a silken onesie > he tries it on, i try it on > he tries it again >  cocktail 4

I prefer the term boiler suit or jumpsuit to onesie. Yuck.

Kimberley remembers everything. A few loose ends to tie up still, but basically now Amanda, Peter, Kimberley and Michael are free to terrorize somebody else. Plus we get to find out Peter’s mysterious connection to lip-liner fiend Taylor McBride.

I don’t know what else to do.

The slow-mo black & white recap was a neopolitan ice cream of Alison, Jake and Billy.

I just love money. So sez Sydney while she stuffs her Kate Spade, every resort collection woven raffia tote bag. So sez mayibefrank, “The size of an african violet flower pot.”

All-white canvas mary jane doc martens. With plastic trim.

Yet another Isaac Mizrahi for Sydney.

Who cares, as long as the drinks are free.

Hi Billy, this is Jane’s roommate. She thinks you’re cute.

Chardonnay: The official beverage of Melrose Place. And California. And the ’90s.

I decided. I needed. A Shower. Too.

Billy should know better than to fight Jake. Have you seen Jake with his shirt off? No.

You’re My Friends. Go To Hell.

The titles of this show are unreal. We are making nachos now. And listening to Blessid Union of Souls.

Sototallypatrick on my impending move to Los Angeles, Savannah, Austin or Athens:

“You can’t just pop into Margiela down there. You can’t just pop into Jack Spade every week to see if they marked down your bag. But, it’s not like you can wear your Margiela there anytime anyway. You could be happy again just wearing Ben Sherman … Or could you?”

Episode 2: Over Dick’s Dead Body

sototallypatrick:

Help me die, Peter.

Sydney looks great.

as does Jake’s shirt situation.

But his big white Seinfeld sneakers are bad.

Fragile my butt. Get up you crazy bitch! What do you mean you don’t remember. I risked my life saving you. I’LL MAKE YOU REMEMBER!

Matt is now a speed freak/non-functioning drug addict.

$50,000 for ransom? That’s like 2 suits and a haircut.

Melrose Place Blackmail Case #30492023901.

Sydney is dummying up $50,000 in the copy room while Matt steals prescription pads from Michael.

“That’s a new hobby of mine, inventing games.”  — Sydney

Drink 2. Down.

Sototallypatrick: Did you tell all of our fans that we finished drink 2? Well, your fans? I’m going to get so much exposure. Because of you,”

Sneaking around IS kinda fun! Alison & Jake are fucking in a hotel!

That bed spread is from M.I.A.’s K-Mart Home Line, “NOT MADE IN SRI LANKA.”

Another Mizrahi frock for Sydney. Nice Barrette!

Mussolini. Hitler. Amanda.

Oh I have to fast-backward it. A dummy just fell out of a crate wearing Richard’s death clothes. (Or maybe it’s just Martin Margiela’s wine-stain button-down F/W ‘09?)

On sototallypatrick’s DVD remote there’s no ‘rewind,’ it’s ‘fast backward.’

The actor that played Lisa Bonet’s marine husband on the cosby show has a book called “He talk like a white boy”

Sydney has $20,000 because of her investments in the Burns & Mancini private practice, and the Porn company she invested in during season 4.

Jake’s muscles are POPPING!

Terrycloth Hoodie and Scrunchie!

Better start digging girls. You’re going to need room for the both of you.

So good.

Episode 1: Living With Disaster

sototallypatrick:

Peter is fake!

Muldoon (Richard Hart) crawled out of the dirt!

3 new actors in the opening credits!

Alison slept with JAKE!

Amanda doesn’t need anybody’s help. Especially a man. A black man. A black man cop.

Nice mole, Alison. Where did that come from?

Marrying someone else isn’t losing faith!?

If Billy & Alison get married, it will be both Alison and Billy’s 3rd wedding. (Billy & Alison - aborted because her dad abused her, Billy & Brooke, and Alison & Brook’s Father.)

Amanda got a blow out the moment she landed in Kansas City.

Ooh, Boston!

Hello Rob Estes & Lisa Rinna! (When she still looked like a human.)

Peter euthanized his first wife!

Breakfast: Murray’s Bagels (Salt w/ Veggie C.C. and Whole Wheat Everything w/ Olive C.C.)

Cocktails: Ruby Red Greyhounds

Drink #1 Finished

Sorry, I can’t date you. There’s a problem. Billy asked me to marry him last night.

Jane’s new boutique is called Jane’s.

Kimberley & Michael Black & White Make Out Montage!

Do we have a number where we can reach you, Taylor McBride? No, you DON’T.

Amanda Wannabe Suits!

2 Cuba Libres and a Chardonnay.

Jo moved to Bosnia with Dr. Dominic O’Malley. She’s not getting her deposit back.

Is this a singles place?

The lightning!

Kimberley escaped!

Richard piled a bunch of dirt and a cross made out of rulers on Jane’s bed and basked in the rain.

ALL CHARDONNAY ALL THE TIME!

Best day ever.